inappropriate forum

I don't know why I'm writing this here. I'm not even sure anyone will see it.

I'm in a bad place. It is something I am finding impossible both to understand and to change. I'm having great difficulty with it and I'm taking it out on the people around me in a number of insidious and obvious ways. I'm not fit for human consumption right now, I'm finding people very overwhelming but the idea of being alone frightens me. I am a broken record.

So I apologize. I would like to say it in person to everyone (almost literally everyone I know) but I can't find the right words for any of this so I'm going to say it here. And I'm going to try to be brave and leave this post up because I think I need to see these words. I think I need a tether.

I'm feeling all sorts of contradictions

I want to find a rock to crawl under (sit on top of). I want to be where there is silence (waves crashing). I want to be alone (in your arms). I want to be happier (wallow in the sadness). I want to let you know how much I adore you (but act like I don't). I want to be loved (but not at this moment). I want to deserve it (but don’t). I'm happy you're here (but wish you'd go away). I want you here (but I'm driving you away). I'm glad that you care (but overwhelmed by any attention).

I wish it all made sense (but I feel a strange need for the confusion).

I always find it funny when you come across someone you know somewhere you don't expect them to be. Especially when it turns out they're almost, kinda, famous.

Dogs Playing Poker (Or "I don't know anything about art - part two")

I don't mean to say that I love art indiscriminately. I also know what I don't like.

I don't like cookie cutter pop music, manufactured boy bands (or girl bands), or bands who sound exactly the same every time they put out a single (as in: you can play one song over another and the only difference is lyrics), bands from Hanna (oh, I just covered that one). But I can appreciate a well written pop song, whether I like it or not. I like to think "image" is not part of my consideration... although I am an admitted sucker for "sensitive guy with a guitar: all alt-pop-rock-country variations". I like old country, and a fair amount of alt-country but not "new country."

I'm generally not a fan of rap music, although I think whoever is behind the videos for Eminem is quite talented. And there have been variations on rap/hip hop that I adore (Michael Franti anyone?). I will never own electronica/house/trance or any of those lyricless "beat"-centric types of music... but I'm willing to get sweaty on a dance floor to them any day of the week.

I have no idea how someone decides on the top 10 records of all time. Or the top 10 of anything of all time for that matter... who says?

I think I know when a painting is better than another painting. But I don't have the vocabulary to say why. I think I know when a painting is "unfocused". And I know when it doesn't "speak to me" but again, that is me and totally subjective so I don't know if that counts. And sometimes I like kitchy art that I know isn't really good, or simple art that I think might be good, but doesn't necessarily look like something a two-year-old couldn't reproduce.

I love such a wide array of books and movies that this may be the surest evidence of my lack of knowledge. Or it may be evidence of my openness. I like arty movies, foreign movies, many "great movies; I've read alot of "literature" and great works of fiction (and non) but I also enjoy a good chick flick and a hot romance novel. (But yes, I know the difference.) I'd rather be easily entertained than constantly dissatisfied so I'm ok with this. I can appreciate the technical aspects of film and writing. I can appreciate when something is visually stunning but if it's also incomprehensible, I don't think it's a good movie.

I am aware of the nuances of great acting, even in bad plays. I know that some great plays can be awful. I know that I almost never agree with theatre reviewers. I know when a bad play is technically superb - lights, sound, set, direction. I understand all these things. But again, I need to relate; it has to hit me where it hurts...in some way...even if it's in my funny bone.

So maybe I know something about art. Or maybe not. But I appreciate it. More than most I think. And maybe that's more important.

I don't know anything about art.

It’s strange but as much as I enjoy so many forms of art, as much as I am involved in many things pertaining to various forms of art, I have become convinced that I know nothing about art at all.

I am overwhelmed with feeling when listening to music I love, and when discovering new music I inevitably will love. I have shed spontaneous tears over lyrics that spoke to the deepest parts of my being. I have leapt to my feet bidden only by the rhythm of the drum or the throb of a bass line. I have danced to music I have never heard before, instinctively moving to unfamiliar rhythms, as though I have heard and danced to that song a thousand times before… and I have danced until sheer exhaustion takes me. I have felt a calm spread over me through the familiarity of certain songs; a warmth envelop me when I hear notes that immediately reach my heart. I have trouble sitting still when there is music. Whether it is a need to dance, or just tap my foot, or sway... almost unconsciously…music creates movement for me. I know that I love sound and song and lyrics and rhythm and music.

I have been taken over by literature. Swept into worlds that are not my own by the written word on a page. I love the feeling of being immersed in the author’s world; of knowing them in some sense simply by reading what they have put on a page. I have laughed out loud and been brought to tears and lost sleep, staying up late to finish that last chapter… I love reading. I love so many types of books that I cannot count the ones I’ve read.

I have been transported by theatre. I have watched many plays and I have loved some beyond explanation. I have been moved to tears and laughter. I have leapt to my feet at the end of a show, applauded until my hands burned. I have sung along with musicals and learned the opening lines of numerous shows simply by repetition of viewing. I have a recording of one such show that never fails to make me cry at the end, even now, years later. I can still see it all so clearly in my head.

I have been transfixed by the beauty in a painting. I love to be immersed in colour. To be able to see layers upon layers in someone else’s pictures. Sometimes it is the subject matter (I often love paintings that evoke water), sometimes it is a saturation of colour, sometimes it is an unknown quality but "I know what I like"… doesn’t everyone say that?

But it’s true. I do know what I like. And I like a lot of things. Ask me to tell you why and I’m not sure I’d be able to. And I have the feeling of late that this means I really don’t know anything about art.

my brain is in too many places at once.

I think maybe I'm the only one who thinks it's funny.
~~~~~~
I've come to the realization that in this instance, I should have done something long before I started scaring myself. But I've also come to the conclusion that most of the time I don't scare myself enough.
~~~~~~
I'm trying to decide if the whole "smile until you mean it" thing actually works.
~~~~~~
This week is better than last week.
~~~~~~
After Thursday the world may shift.

bits of wit and wisdom

From my frequently nonsensical but sometimes oddly profound beloved bastard:

"It's hard to take anything seriously when the price of a package of smokes is more than the cashier's hourly wage."

And from the delightful Mrs. O'Handley:

"You need to stop being friends with people. THEN you'll get laid for sure."