that time of year again

Home for the holidays, I am always sort of forced to think about things I tend to ignore the rest of the year. Whether that is due to the copious free time that I tend to have now that most of my friends from home have moved on and away, or simply due to the natural tendency to assess and review your life at this time of year, I don't know. But I wonder and contemplate many things related to "what would my life be like if..." I see people, and places, and confront memories... sometimes very thankful that they are behind me; sometimes a bit wistful for certain happy, carefree times.

Once in awhile, I will run into someone I once loved. Someone "significant". And the small part of comfortable-in-her-singlehood me that is not...quite...comfortable wonders what things would have been like if I had made another decision then.

Regret, like guilt, is an emotion I consider more or less pointless and a waste of time and energy. But every once in awhile, it looms and I need to face it down. I don't really wish for that alternate life. I just sometimes crave the simplicity of it. But in the light of day, and after the passage of time, I imagine even that life may not have been so simple. It hardly ever is.