This is why you shouldn't drink and blog...

I work with the beautiful people. The actors, the rock stars, the artists. I work with them all. And some nights (this night) that makes me feel extremely NOT beautiful. Some nights (this night), I have no idea how I got here... no idea who these people are...no idea what I was thinking - leaving my white coat and fishes behind. I understood the fishes; I knew more about the sea dwelling worms than most normal people. I was endlessly comfortable in my lab, alone, listening to the music and singing to the critters ( not that they noticed my above average taste in music....did you know cows produce more milk listening to country music?)

Tonight is one of those nights. I don't know how I got here, what I'm doing here, who these people are... all I want is to be home, with you, or all of you even... watching a movie, listening to the commentary (not the one on the DVD, yours and yours - because there's always a commentary). Or maybe all I want is to be in that bar at that table because that also feels like home (except on those nights when new people come, sometimes those nights throw me).

Or maybe I just need some sleep.

crap

Ever been in one of those crappy moods where you think it would be nice if you actually warned people that you were in a crappy mood, if you acknowledge your mood so that if you seem to be cranky, or antisocial, or whatever, at least they'd be prepared? But it turns out that this was entirely the wrong tactic because not only do they have absolutely no sympathy for the situation which is causing the mood, they seem to go out of their way to make it worse? And you end up feeling like you're going to cry for essentially the rest of the evening until you can either escape to your empty apartment, or find the people who might actually get it?

Yeah, I'm having one of those.

go away. I can't think about this now

How do I evict a thought? How do I rid myself of this inconvenient obsession and get on with things? It is elusive. I can not seem to capture it and put it in a box for later – which would at least suffice for now, since I haven’t the time to deal with this. It creeps in and out of my head with unnatural stealth, only ever leaving for a little while and then returning with a vengeance to interrupt my day’s train of thought.

It’s not that it’s an unhealthy obsession… exactly. It’s just that there’s no recourse right now. Nothing to be done either way to make my thoughts rest any easier. I suppose I should just be grateful that it’s a reasonably pleasant line of thinking; that mostly it makes me smile, once in awhile makes me hum, and moment by moment can make me giggle or my eyes sparkle a little.

It’s just that drifting away that makes it inconvenient. Because I have work to do.

Blog neglect

So I've been writing alot in journals and on paper. There's been alot going on in my head. I even wrote "An Anonymous Letter to a Boy" the other day (not that you'll ever see it here - anonymous or no). I've been thinking many a deep thought and contemplating numerous meaningful topics. Really, I have.

I just haven't felt like blogging about any of it. And I've noticed a number of the blogs of friends seem to be suffering from a similar lack of new posts. I know how busy everyone is so this is not surprising. I just wanted to reassure anyone who was wondering, who may not have the actual insider knowledge of the crazy that is currently my life, that I will be blogging up a storm soon I'm sure...

...if only to discuss my lack of sleep and inability to speak in full sentences due to never enough caffiene.