I love CKUA

Today I heard Dan Bern on the radio. Yes the radio. It was my beloved CKUA of course - the radio station like no other but it was a sweet surprise this morning (afternoon?) when the Bern came on the car radio.

The station has also been instrumental in the discovery of a new singing gal who I have come to adore. Karyn Ellis. Check her out. I'd been hearing her on the radio (both CKUA and CJSR) and then she played at my festival. She's great. And she does an amazing Mary Katherine Gallagher impression.

Happy radio. I'm so glad I love somewhere where there is more than top 40 and retro radio to choose from.

Smiling Irish

Did he know what the serenade would do? Drawing the bow across the strings and grooving (just a little, just enough) to the music. Losing himself in the jam. He seemed as happy to play as I was to hear it. One of those moments where my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. So maybe he wasn't playing just for me... but in that one moment, it felt like he was.

In the midst of raucous laughter, brilliant (and silly) conversation and never ending music a thought intrudes, completely unbidden and frankly, unwelcome. What's this doing here? I'm happy. Having a great time. Where did this intrusion of melancholy come from?....

I feel peripheral tonight. Like a fly on the wall, here but not here. No place of my own in the heart of all this. Like that girl who became invisible in that episode of Buffy. Surveying it all from over here while the action swirls around me. Not a cog in the wheels at all, removing this one piece would have little or no effect on the overall picture.

Perhaps it's because I feel oddly out of touch with one or two people ( both here and not here). Perhaps it's because I am told his news by someone who is never him. Perhaps it is because in spite of my best efforts I resent that fact. Perhaps it is because for whatever reason I have been questioning whether or not certain people understand the depth of my caring.

Perhaps it was the phrase "manditory affection" thrown into conversation casually and, I'm sure, without malice. Perhaps it was another person saying "oh I thought that was over already" about this mad, mad festival that is currently my life.

Whatever the reasons I am questioning my place here tonight. Maybe this ackowledgement will purge the uncertainty. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe this pint has brought out the melancholy...

Whatever it is it's a peripheral thought. A peripheral thought about being peripheral.... funny.

Momentary lull....

Breathe. Just a moment to sit, relax, breathe. A short respite from the hustle and the bustle. A sip of coffee, unhurried for a change. A chance to sit and write ... and think ... about things unrelated. Less dramatic things: Replying to email; reading a newspaper; realizing current events have passed me by and that a Sunday has gone by not quite unnoticed; finding that I missed him in spite of my "concious unawareness."

Just a few more moments until it begins again; until I'm off and running once more. But I am very thankful for this moment; for this lull; for this energizing breath and stretch. It helps to settle it all into perspective and to revive myself for more of the hustle and bustle; more of the hilarity and the drama and the business of busy-ness.

Because at the end of all this there will be dancing, and there has to be a little energy left for that.