New Year's Introspection

It's New Year's Eve. I've had some crazy New Year's Eve's and some pretty quiet New Year's Eves. My favorite New Years has to be 1999 - an unbelieveably spontaneous two day extravaganza of pure fun. Even now I have no idea how I ended up where I ended up - not because of any drunkeness - simply because that much serendipity doesn't usually happen in one place.

Another New Year's Eve, I got together with this great guy who I dated for quite some time. A guy who, in retrospect turned out to be not so great, and not really very nice at all. That New Year's was the beginning of several years of pain.

I don't know what I want out of this year. Oh, I know some of the things I want - I'm always introspective over the holidays and this year has been no exception. I fear I have gotten a bit lost along the way and I really want to work on finding my path again. I know that's a bit vague but I don't know how else to explain it.

The last few months have been oddly unhappy for me. Perhaps the most unhappy I've been since the several years of pain I mentioned above. Unhappy enough to scare me a little. And that unhappiness seems all the more weird because on paper, my world looks good. I have a job that challenges me, that I enjoy and that is interesting and rewarding. (Unfortunately, it has also become the single largest source of stress in my life and that's something I need to figure out how to remedy). I have a fantastic group of friends who care about me, who I can have fun with and rely on. (I just want to be more a person that they can rely on, someone less needy and with more strength to share. I want to be more generous with them, less self-focused. I miss the feeling of connectedness I once took for granted). I have a family who care and support me. (Although right now they feel more far away than they have in a very long time and I'm not sure how to remedy that).

I don't know where I'm going with this...I guess maybe that's the point. I don't know what I'm looking for this year. I don't even know what I'm doing tonight...

But for whatever reason 2005 feels full of promise to me and I feel a change in the winds. Maybe that's the illusion of New Year's. Or maybe I will find that path again. I really hope so.