by way of explanation. Or: another post with multiple pronoun disorder

There once was a redhaired girl with lots of spunk. She was very tell-it-like-it-is, pull no punches, strong in her opinions. People liked her - "Born leader" they said. She had an abundance of get-up-and-go. Lots of energy that she used mostly for the greater good (honest) with a bit of mischief thrown in for good measure. She knew where she stood and stood there firmly.

I liked her.

Then she got lost. The get-up-and-go, you guessed it, got-up-and-went. The energy left, the strength of will, the confidence, the ability to defend her own position...all of that seemed to get buried underneath something heavy and dark. She no longer had fully formed opinions she felt she could voice. It's almost inexplicable but the spunk was gone. Once in awhile a bit would shine through, or she could have a few days where it was easy enough to fake it, but overall she became something that in her mind was less than she had been.

I missed her. Alot.

The suddenly one day she woke up like it was all a bad dream. Things changed and suddenly the world became clearer again. Suddenly she felt like she could....

...but the question has now become whether she should.

Because now, I'm not as sure I like her. Or that anyone else will.

And I guess I need to struggle a bit to find that happy medium. So please forgive the redhaired girl as she goes after some semblance of the spunk she once had while trying still to ... I don't know...not make waves, not be mean, not say things without thinking...

Someone told me last night that they didn't like me when they first met me because they have problems with "big personalities" ...and it's weird because to me at that time, my personality felt really small compared to what it had been, what it could be... and it's only gotten smaller.

Until now. When suddenly I feel like I'm waking up again and I can find some of what I felt like I lost.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out what happens now.