I have regressed to 12 years old and this is all I have to say:

Boys are stupid.

changes

Part of me already misses you but perhaps I'm being unfair.

Maybe I simply crave what you have and I am resentful of that in my aloneness that now feels so solid and unyielding. Maybe what I actually miss is the ease with which I assumed... I assumed that you'd be there, available and waiting if I need you, as you have been up until now; assumed a level of importance that has changed with the priorities that have so obviously changed; assumed that promises made would be promises kept and not just if they fit in the schedule of bigger promises. But I had not anticipated the feeling of being pushed out of things. I had not anticipated your disappearance, the diminishment of the communication that had once been frequent, easy and always enjoyable. I had not anticipated this.

I almost miss you already, but I really hope it's only temporary, that things will settle out and a new rhythm established that once again feels right. I hope we find our way back to that easy communication. I have hope for this because it's happened in such a wonderful way before in my life (for which I am eternally grateful). And as he would say: "the world spins".

The Fifth Beatle

...or maybe not the Beatles. But I met the fifth last night, the missing piece, the one I hadn't seen before (or held in my heart where the others have lived for so long), the one I never missed because he was never here. I think I "took it easy on him" as instructed. Whatever that meant - he didn't seem frightened. It was not a long enough meeting to figure him out, to see how he fits in that picture I have of them. But at the same time there was a familiarity borne of stories and recommendations and mutual awareness of one another. It was strange to be able to say "I'm T." and have someone instantly recognize me by initial alone. (Made me smile - I guess the stories couldn't have been all bad! Imagine that!)

I enjoyed meeting him (finally), however briefly, and I look forward to the next visit when he may actually pick up a guitar and show why he was the fifth. Then the picture will be complete, or as complete as it can be never having been there when it all came together.

Wishing for better radar

Sometimes I am not good at reading people. Usually when it means the most to me, my ability to decipher the non-verbal clues and cues seems to desert me. So I'm not sure what his smile meant, or his touch on my shoulder, or even the strange feeling that this is someone I could be silly with (a feeling I love and a rare find indeed). I know what I think it means (what I hope it means?). But like I said, sometimes this is not my forte and I wonder if these feelings are a wish my heart is making or if they are there, really there for the world to see.