I knew it was a bad sign....

... when the waitress answered my innocent query "what do you have on tap?" with "Oh, we don't have any of those frou frou drinks honey!"

When did draft beer become frou frou?

1,000 Goodbyes....

Today I'm thinking alot about goodbyes. Three of my friends are leaving the province over the next couple of days. I found out the other day that someone else very important to me is probably going within a year. And I am sort of in constant state of fear that the wee wench might up and leave us. These things are all making me a bit sad.

Not that goodbye is really ever a permanent thing. Sometimes they come back. I am ever so thankful for the return of certain folks who left before... Sir Nicholas and Mr. Miles in particular.

Sometimes they come back and disappear and come back and disappear again - in strange and wondrous ways. Sometimes you are constantly, tangibly aware of the fact that they are still there....out there... somewhere in the same world as you and that you are still loved and they are still loved, even if you don't hear it (or see it on a screen) often enough. You just know.

I am thankful that this cyber world we live in lets us keep in touch more easily, in spite of these goodbyes. I am also thankful for the people who have come and gone... and hope to see them again soon.

Big hugs to Mike, Paula and Allison. Safe Travels and Much Love.

running time running

How did the summer get here - to this point? This far? Almost over? It seems I blinked and missed a month somewhere along the way. So much anticipation for a season that speeds by filled with festivals and picnics, disc golf games and backyard bonfires (what happened to all of those?). What happened to our camping trip to the mountains before they left? They're leaving too soon now... the best laid plans and all that.

Who ever thought that summer was the time to slow down, take it easy and relax did not understand how much there is to do! How much music, how many friends to hang out with, how much dancing needs to be done! I want this, I want all of it! But I want time to stop running, slow the pace a bit, let me breathe in these moments in the sun at a more leisurely pace, let me soak in the last few days with them nearby and the sun beaming down. Can time do that? I'm not asking for a standstill, a freeze frame....just a few extra seconds, a few more moments in the sun.

Somewhere on the hill, among the hippies, amidst the music, in the grass.... I lost my bracelets.

I guess they broke.

Fuck I miss him.

I guess it doesn't work that way...

Sometimes I need not to be needed but still to be indispensible. Sometimes I need to be alone but still have people wonder where I am. Sometimes I want to be with him but still included in them. (non-specific him, specific them).

Selfish contradictions that never quite work out. I can be pretty selfish, I know, I need to work on this.

I hope, still, that these are forgiveable contradictions. And that they understand... They usually do, they're good that way. And I am grateful. Always.

down with cynics

I've had enough of the cynics and the jaded. I find myself catching their attitudes of disregard like a contagion. I don't like my own susceptibility to their malaise. I let them get the best of me for a few days. I was only a part time hippie.

I want to go back. Back to a time of wonder... I think I am mostly usually in a state of perpetual wonder - it's just once in awhile I find myself wrapped in the scratchy blanket of the cynics around me.

Maybe I just need to hang out more with the boy wonder who sits on the edge of the seat with me, eyes wide and bright with delight. Maybe I just need to dance more with my dancing girls and not worry about what my feet are doing.

He misses me.

Or rather he misses the me I used to be. "My little scientist" he calls me. I'm not sure I qualify anymore. I deal mostly in the alchemy of words, of the obscure chemistry of entertainers, of entertainment, the way the pieces fit together to make something happen that appeals to the abstract "audience". (and my part in the alchemy is subtle and often unobserved, a small bit of the catalyst at the beginning of a much much larger reaction)

I wonder what he'd think of the me I am now. If my life surrounded by rogues and minstrels, poets and dancing girls would be a disappointment to him.

I also wonder, after all this time, why he misses me at all.