Of course it ended up feeling like the warm glow of a fire, the comfort of being enveloped in someone's arms, the smile after someone says you're beautiful, the contentment of coming home.

jacket party day....

Hello, day I've been looking forward to for two months. It's too bad you arrived on a day when I feel like this. Like I hate myself and my life is too much and I can't get enough sleep and I'll never be pretty...

I was hoping to feel as festive as the day called for. I apologize for not living up to it.

It just seemed natural

I didn't even think about it. Didn't contemplate how it would affect my day, didn't sigh in frustration, didn't wish I didn't have to. I just did it. There is simply no way I would have said no. It was hard and sad and she kept apologizing over and over for asking me, for needing me... but honestly, there was no thought process involved on this one. It was just the thing to do.

It was pointed out afterward (by a third party) how grateful she was but I really didn't think that was necessary and that thought made me a little embarassed.

I am thinking about it now, and trying to absorb the compliment and be conscious of the idea because early last week I was questioning my ability to be a good friend and then the world handed me an (unfortunate) opportunity to be one. And I want to try and be as aware of my good moments as I am of my bad ones.

not in the headspace for this kind of day

There are better ways to start a 15 hour day than to take a load of bottles to the bottle depot. 15 hour days should not start with sweaty beer smelling activities. They should start with lingering over coffee and a good breakfast and maybe watching the news or a bad talk show on TV.