you and I

Who hit the rewind button? When did we go back to this? What happened to propel us backwards in time to this place, this spot, this moment? (weren't we here before? didn't we get through this part?) I feel like the intervening time no longer exists and we're back to square one. I feel like I imagined the development of us into to what we are (were?). I feel a distance that cannot be explained merely by distance - which is considerable.

I don't like it. But I am unsure as I was then just how to approach you to bring us back to where we'd arrived. That unimaginable place that came totally by surprise, and for which I was so grateful.

stupid tears

I am a very emotional person. Sometimes I am very glad of this. I am glad that I feel love and joy and even sadness very deeply. I am glad that I react. Most of the time I would rather that than be colder, more unfeeling, not experience things as deeply - because to me, feeling these things is part of the way I experience life and I wouldn't trade experiencing it all this fully and completely for the world.

Except that this depth of emotion seems to go hand in hand with my tendency to cry....over everything. I am moved to tears far too easily for my taste. I cry for the obvious reason - when I'm sad, watching a sad movie, when I am in alot of pain. But I also cry when I am overwhelmed by happiness. And when I am overwhelmed by anger. I think maybe just whenever I am overwhelmed. Period. And sadly I think this really destroys all credibilty when trying to have a discussion about something. When I can't describe or discuss what is making me angry/sad/overwhelmed without actually being in tears. (this is particularly annoying in work-related high stress times - like this week - I really feel like I lose all credibility...not to mention look blotchy and weird...when I can't help but cry).

And today I am really not liking that inability. Today my tendency to cry is just aggravating and annoying and I wish I was the kind of person who could react coldly and rationally to this type of day.

I'm not though. And today that really bugs me.


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added later on...

While we're on the topic of things that bug me about me...

I used to be pretty assertive. Assertive maybe to the point of pushy. I now spend alot of time with a few other alpha types (some of whom have called me on my "pushy" behaviour) and this combined with... how to put this without sounding pathetic?... a marked decrease in the kind of self esteem required for true assertiveness, has made me reluctant to ask for what I want, to push for certain things, to even give options, generate debate. I am stuck between not wanting to push and being miserable when I feel unheard... only to realize that I was reluctant to speak at all and people can't hear what was left unsaid.