stupid tears

I am a very emotional person. Sometimes I am very glad of this. I am glad that I feel love and joy and even sadness very deeply. I am glad that I react. Most of the time I would rather that than be colder, more unfeeling, not experience things as deeply - because to me, feeling these things is part of the way I experience life and I wouldn't trade experiencing it all this fully and completely for the world.

Except that this depth of emotion seems to go hand in hand with my tendency to cry....over everything. I am moved to tears far too easily for my taste. I cry for the obvious reason - when I'm sad, watching a sad movie, when I am in alot of pain. But I also cry when I am overwhelmed by happiness. And when I am overwhelmed by anger. I think maybe just whenever I am overwhelmed. Period. And sadly I think this really destroys all credibilty when trying to have a discussion about something. When I can't describe or discuss what is making me angry/sad/overwhelmed without actually being in tears. (this is particularly annoying in work-related high stress times - like this week - I really feel like I lose all credibility...not to mention look blotchy and weird...when I can't help but cry).

And today I am really not liking that inability. Today my tendency to cry is just aggravating and annoying and I wish I was the kind of person who could react coldly and rationally to this type of day.

I'm not though. And today that really bugs me.


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added later on...

While we're on the topic of things that bug me about me...

I used to be pretty assertive. Assertive maybe to the point of pushy. I now spend alot of time with a few other alpha types (some of whom have called me on my "pushy" behaviour) and this combined with... how to put this without sounding pathetic?... a marked decrease in the kind of self esteem required for true assertiveness, has made me reluctant to ask for what I want, to push for certain things, to even give options, generate debate. I am stuck between not wanting to push and being miserable when I feel unheard... only to realize that I was reluctant to speak at all and people can't hear what was left unsaid.