nothing much to say

I don't know how to lie to you. So I refrain from speech.

don't worry - I'm sure this will pass

Today is my birthday.

I have not been feeling very celebratory... about anything really. My whole life I've started my birthday fun sometime around St. Patrick's Day (historically my favourite non-holiday)and just keep going until the day itself... or even another couple of days until my mother's birthday - depending on whether or not she was nearby.

It's odd for me to be so antisocial. I am afraid of how noncommunicative I've become. The fact that certain people have no clue is terrifying and overwhelming and I'm still not going to talk about it all here but this place used to be therepeutic so I'm making an attempt at.... something.

Maybe I always celebrated so hard so as to avoid this terrible paralyzing self reflection that seems to descend on me about three times each year. Perhaps it is particularly difficult this year due to finding myself once more unemployed, in spite of myself..having left a job I no longer wanted but had been desperately clinging to in hopes it would get better...

pattern?

I feel cynicism and bitterness and fear and all sorts of things I have avoided for many years through perseverence, having wonderful cohorts to distract me, and maybe more than my fair share of luck.

I wish I could tell you - more than anyone else - but you don't believe in this.