tonight I saw a ghost

Tonight you came to my show. I am sitting here, almost paralyzed, because I want to wait until the show is over and discuss it with you. But that won't happen (it's not really you in there after all, but your eerily similar doppelganger).

When you came in to pick up your tickets the other day, my heart skipped a beat when I looked up and there you were. An unconcious grin spread across my face even as my brain processed that it was impossible for this person to be you. There was, in fact, no way that your hair had grown that much since the last time I saw you (although I inspected those roots as closely as I could to determine whether the dreadlocks were extensions). And on closer inspection, the eyes were wrong... blue, not brown...

...but for that one moment when I thought it was you, when my eyes recognized you standing there, before my brain caught up....my heart was filled with an almost uncontainable happiness. I was almost giddy... in that moment.

I wonder if he thought my familiarity was a bit creepy? I hope I didn't freak him out. And even tonight, after processing him as someone who is not you, I still spoke to him as if I knew him... I couldn't help myself. At least I didn't run out to hug him.

And I cannot stress enough how much I wish it had been you.

much love beloved.
Maybe our paths will cross soon.

He's perfect....sometimes. Has no idea. But some days he is exactly right and perfectly suited and absolutely wonderful. I wish someone would tell him. But he'd never believe it.

sparkling gypsy eyes

I re-read some old journal entries recently. The entries were from almost exactly one year ago. I was trying to track down something I'd written that I was absolutely positive had found it's way here (it, in fact, hadn't - which I found very odd).

I did find what I'd written in that journal, on paper and realized that perhaps it had been too personal to put here. Maybe I wasn't ready to relinquish the giddiness completely. I know I told some people about it. We had discussions about falling platonically in love.

I read the entires over and over (turns out there were more than one about that same event; complete with ticket stub and handbill). I wanted that giddy feeling back. I wanted to remember that smile, those sparkling black eyes, that music, that feeling of being transported through time and space to somewhere indescribable. Mostly I think I wanted to remember the warmth of the smile, maybe the scent of that leather jacket, definitely that feeling of being enveloped in comfortable affection, the feeling that this was special somehow, that it didn't happen every day...

I look forward to seeing my Italian gypsy minstrel again. It's been far too long. I don't know if he will remember that night the way I did... but it doesn't really matter.

I remember.

welcome back insomnia, I've missed you.

I keep having this dream where I'm falling, endlessly falling and every once in awhile I hit a net. The net holds long enough to slow me down from break neck speed, sometimes it even holds for a bounce or two, but then I go through it... every time. I don't know how many nets there are so it always feels out of control and like this might be my last save...

If there's any interpretatrion for this aside from the obvious I'd really like to know. (but it echoes how I feel about my life right now so well that I don't think I really need to ask).