In the midst of raucous laughter, brilliant (and silly) conversation and never ending music a thought intrudes, completely unbidden and frankly, unwelcome. What's this doing here? I'm happy. Having a great time. Where did this intrusion of melancholy come from?....

I feel peripheral tonight. Like a fly on the wall, here but not here. No place of my own in the heart of all this. Like that girl who became invisible in that episode of Buffy. Surveying it all from over here while the action swirls around me. Not a cog in the wheels at all, removing this one piece would have little or no effect on the overall picture.

Perhaps it's because I feel oddly out of touch with one or two people ( both here and not here). Perhaps it's because I am told his news by someone who is never him. Perhaps it is because in spite of my best efforts I resent that fact. Perhaps it is because for whatever reason I have been questioning whether or not certain people understand the depth of my caring.

Perhaps it was the phrase "manditory affection" thrown into conversation casually and, I'm sure, without malice. Perhaps it was another person saying "oh I thought that was over already" about this mad, mad festival that is currently my life.

Whatever the reasons I am questioning my place here tonight. Maybe this ackowledgement will purge the uncertainty. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe this pint has brought out the melancholy...

Whatever it is it's a peripheral thought. A peripheral thought about being peripheral.... funny.